Boundaries
What are they? And how do I successfully define and implement them in my life?
Boundaries: This is a line that you draw to indicate what’s acceptable, and what is not acceptable in your life, relationships, etc.
Here’s how to successfully implement boundaries in your life.
Define the boundary
Get clear on what your boundaries are. You may need to experiment with setting them, in order to figure out what feels most aligned for you. You can adjust them; they’re not set in stone. A boundary can be identified based on how your needs can be met by other people, in this instance. Do you have friends who drain you, and who you need extra space from during this time in order to keep your sanity and serenity? That’s one of many parameters for identifying a boundary. An example of a boundary is:
“I can only speak to my friend Tom once a week, and I really just need to keep it to surface level life updates.”
Communicate Your Boundary (or not)
In some cases, you’ll want to communicate your boundary to someone else directly, if it impacts them or if it indicates a shift in your current dynamic. If you have a friend who’s draining you and who you want space from, and you’ve been in touch with them daily, multiple times a day, well then you may want to communicate to them that you’re in need of a change in the relationship, and explain what that will need to look like. This can be a dialogue. If they’re not okay with the change, your boundary might end the relationship (brings us to the next point).
When implementing boundaries, let go of the outcome.
All you have control over is your boundary and the terms. You cannot control how other people respond to your boundary. Part of setting boundaries is letting go of what happens next.
Some people will attempt to step over your boundary and disregard it.
Some people may not want to engage in your continued relationship on those terms.
Some people will be supportive of your boundary and will comply with it on the terms you described.
Maintain your boundary
No matter how someone responds to your boundary, it’s your job to respect the boundary (not theirs). Knowing this, you have an opportunity to hold your boundary in place and take measures that keep you safe and support your terms.
For example, if someone attempts to step over your boundary, you can:
Reiterate the boundary to them using direct communication.
Activate the consequences of their actions. This might mean cutting off contact from them altogether. This might mean blocking them from contacting you.
Boundary Example
Your friend wants to Facetime tonight for 2 hours, because she’s available and wants to hang out with you! She misses you!
You WANT to connect with her, but you’ve been working 10 hour days from home, you haven’t eaten a single meal yet today, and what you really need tonight is a bath, some silence, and an hour of time with your boo in front of Netflix.
You schedule time blocks in your weekly schedule for connecting with friends, in order to accommodate you life and the priorities that matter most right now. This allows you to manage your energy and not fall into the agendas of others constantly (at your own expense).
You let your friend know that you love her and miss her, but that you’re free tomorrow night from 8pm-9pm (not tonight). See if she’s available at that time to connect.